Peace on earth and good will toward men may not apply to your family at Christmas.  I know many family members cringe at the thought of spending time together.  Peace is not part of the family tradition.  Drama rules with certain folks playing Drama Kings and Queens for the day.  You plan how to escape early without being rude. How can you create peace in your family this Christmas?

My grandfather was an alcoholic.  I do not have too many fond memories of Christmas.  Things would start out nice enough, then the longer the day wore on with more alcohol, the uglier it became.   Grandfather would typically stomp off offended and offending others.  Nobody wanted to challenge grandfather.  It typically was not worth the price.  However, in retrospect, as a family we paid a higher price.  We thought by avoiding the political, racial and religious debates, we could keep the peace.  The reality . . . by avoiding the conflict we eventually created more conflict.  We paid a high price for peace, which actually was no peace at all.

How can you create some peace this Christmas?  Boundaries.  If you have family members that drink too much, and Christmas is at your house, you set the rules.  Limit the drinking, period.  If it causes a scene, the drama of keeping a boundary is far less than the ensuing escalation of alcohol related conflict.  If family members engage in topics that typically erupt in a yelling match, then set the ground rules – and keep to them.  You will find those who avoid the conflict actually invite more.  The price of peace is too high.  Create  an atmosphere of peace by setting some ground rules and pay the price of early enforcement to reap the reward of family peace.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year – and let us help you create some peace on earth.

The longer I practice mediation in various areas, the more convinced I become to conduct Conflict Coaching for people in a variety of professions,  positions and need.  Many people struggle with conflict.  They avoid or deny it.  They win at any price.  They give in at any price.  I realize that in a one day workshop, many people can come away with some skills and knowledge around conflict resolution.  Businesses, non-profits, schools, churches, and families could function so much better with improved skills in conflict resolution.  Upper and mid-level managers spend a great deal of precious time dealing with conflict.  This translates to money and profitability.  In some cases of a small business or partnership, conflict can sink the ship.  Executive Directors of Continuous Care Facilities and non-profits could benefit greatly from Conflict Coaching.  They constantly deal with upset residents and/or families.  Non-profits experience conflict at the board, staff, or volunteer level.  Who else can benefit?  Parents, adult or teen children, HOA Board Members, teachers, pastors, and pretty much any person who desires to improve conflict resolution skills.

I am offering a number of training opportunities.  Some of you may be interested in gaining skills in mediation or becoming a professional mediator.  Genesis Mediation is offering the 40 Hour Basic Mediation Training needed in Oregon or Washington.  Advanced Training along with specialty training in divorce and eldercare is offered as well.  I am offering training for realtors in 2012 – The Realtor and Divorce (working with divorcing or recently divorced couples) and The Realtor and Eldercare (working with senior adults and their families).  I offer a one day Conflict Coaching training for anyone interested in improving conflict resolution skills.  How about making 2012 the most peaceful year in your life?  Conflict coaching can help.

When conflict remains unresolved and escalates, things can get pretty ugly.  Parties can say and do things they often regret.  Something happens along the way from the casual disagreement to all out war . . . the original intent is lost.  In other words, the person in which you are in conflict most likely did not stay up all night devising ways to make you miserable.  Most people I know are good and begin at a good place.  Their original intent was not malicious, in fact, quite the opposite, the starting place was often good or neutral.  Conflict can often be resolved when parties return to the original intent and search for when communication went south.

Case in point.  A husband and wife are arguing over something.  They have forgotten the starting point of the conflict.  They simply step into a pattern of conflict in which a small thing quickly escalates to a big thing.  I find non-verbal communication plays a significant role in these types of conflict.  All it takes is rolling the eyes, a deep sigh, or a glance at the ceiling, and then off to the crazy cycle of conflict.  Either party can get off the carousel of conflict and ask the question, “what did you originally desire to say, do or want?”   Often, parties can turn down the temperature and try to start again.  Hopefully, this time they have identified the roadblocks to communication and can find resolution.  Need some help?  That is what marital or family mediation is all about – helping to find common ground and deal with unresolved conflict.  Give us a call and we can give  you a FREE consultation if mediation or therapy is the best option for you.

I recently spoke for Seniors Homing Together.  The founders have a great concept of assisting to match those who have an extra room in a home to those who need affordable housing. These are a few of the concepts to consider in a roommate situation.  One, when considering a roommate, list the top ten qualities you desire.  Qualities like cleanliness, order, creativity, easy-going, interests, alcohol or tobacco, personality traits, honesty, etc.  You should have a mix of character traits and personal preferences.  You need to ask the proposed roommate to produce a similar top ten list.  Then, write down your deal breakers.  What would cause you to evict a roommate, or for you to move out?  The other person needs to write down his or her deal breakers as well.  Now, you are ready to sit down and compare lists.  Where do you mesh?  Where do you collide?  Can you understand and support each of your deal breakers?  The person who owns or leases the property should have a list of house rules as well.  After discussing all the above, you are ready to write a covenant of common space – how will we live together?  As a part of the covenant, you need to discuss the consequences of violation.  What happens when boundaries are overrun or moved?  This is the most critical piece and where many people struggle.  Something should be said, but often is not said, because people wish to avoid conflict.  The anger can build until one of the parties evicts the other or moves out.  It can seem this decision can come out of the blue because parties never discussed the consequences of covenant violations.  Community mediation centers often assist in these type of situations.  I am in the process of producing a helpful tool to aid in how to select, keep, and if needed, dismiss a roommate.

Ever have a conflict that just will not go away?  No matter how many times you try to resolve it, the other person just cannot connect the dots?  There are times when you cannot reach resolution because the other person has a personality disorder that impedes any real attempts at resolution.  The problem?   You may not know about the personality disorder.  You just know trying to reason with this person seems impossible.  So, what do you do?

First, you need to get some expert assistance.  Depending upon the situation, a counselor may help you understand the type of disorder and how you might communicate.  In the case of a needed decision, either in business, divorce, or to move forward in a life situation, you would want a mediator with a behavioral health background.  Very few attorneys could assist you in this area.  Depending upon the type of disorder, resolution can be quite difficult.  Sometimes the best resolution is a dissolution.  Unfortunately, this is often the case with a personality disorder.  I would highly suggest securing a mediator with a mental health background.  Navigating the waters of conflict in order to reach a vital decision with a personality disorder is demanding, exhausting, and difficult.

You are more vested in working things out in a marriage or family situation.  There may be help through medication and counseling for the personality disorder.  If this is a business partnership or employee situation, you might need to carefully consider the demands and difficulty of any further involvement.  In the future, screen any potential marriage or business partner for personality disorders.  Healthy personalities deal well with stress and conflict making the waters smooth for sailing.

Perception is reality.  Don’t argue about the facts.  The facts only go so far.  If you find yourself in a cyclical argument with someone, chances are values or perception is the issue.  The discussion of values is for another day.  Let us consider perceptions.

Perception is the kind and color of glasses of which we view the world.  Some wear a little more subjective and paranoid type.  These people walk into a room, a couple of people are discussing something in a corner, and they will conclude the discussion is around them.  Others have a very black and white set of glasses.  There is no gray, no emotion, and no flexibility.  Each person has his/her own set of glasses.  He has his own reality.  She has her own perceptions. If you do not understand this dynamic in human relations, conflict will be confusing and frustrating for you.  If you chose to become a student and understand the perceptions of those around you, the world is your oyster.

In mediation, I conduct interviews with the various parties involved in conflict.  Sometimes I wonder if they even share the same planet. let alone were involved in a common point of contact in a conflict.  When I understand the various perceptions, then I can begin to understand the vortex of the conflict.  Now comes the difficult part . . . how to bring perceptions to a place of commonly held consensus and agreement.  That is why mediation is fun, challenging, and rewarding.  You will achieve amazing results in conflict resolution when you understand the perceptions of others.  Discover your own set of glasses as well as what others are wearing.  Peace.

I have learned in mediation perspective is everything.  At the heart of many conflicts is misunderstanding and confusion around perspective.  We all wear a unique set set eyeglasses.  How you see the world colors everything.  When you are in conflict with another, one of the first questions to ask is “What kind of glasses am I wearing?”  The second most important question is, “What kind of glasses is the other person wearing?”

How do we end up wearing our particular unique set of glasses?  Well, family of origin plays a role.  So does our socialization; school, friends, media, faith, culture, all play a part as well.  Add to that mix the values and beliefs we pick up along the way as well as power of association.  Sometimes we surprise ourselves how strongly we can react to certain topics and behaviors.  A conversation can turn into a conflict quickly when the right buttons are pushed with certain types of glasses.

So, what is the tip around conflict resolution?  First of all, understand the glasses you wear.  Many people do not fully understand themselves, let alone other people.  Why do you believe what you believe and what is important to you.? What is non-negotiable?  Where can you flex?  How can you avoid certain situations or people that will instantly put you in conflict?  A Republican should attend meetings for Democrats!

Second, seek to fully understand the worldview of the other.  When you can truly state the position of the other person and WHY he/she holds it, you are well on your way of finding some form of common, higher ground above the current conflict.  When in conflict, most people only consider their own position and why they should maintain it.  When each party can understand and state the position of the opposing party, good things happen – often settlement, reconciliation and peace.

In the ancient days before wireless communication, people would actually write letters.  In really ancient days, they even wrote them by hand.  When you were upset with someone, you would write a letter.  Often, you would write several drafts before mailing it (that is right, snail mail was the ONLY option).  By the time you wrote several drafts, many times the letter was never sent.  You cooled off, put the situation in perspective, and decided the letter was not necessary or would only escalate the conflict.  If a letter was necessary, the raw emotion was removed and the letter mailed was more rational, relational and reflective.

Enter the 21st century of instant communication.  Office culture can quickly become toxic due to raw and instant communication.  Two co-workers can enter into a conflict due to a misunderstanding.  By the time each returns to his or her desk, the status is posted on Twitter and Facebook as well as a number of texts moving through the office.  The small incident in now a BIG ONE.

My first rule of thumb for conflict resolution in the workplace is NO TEXTS OR EMAILS.  Texting and emailing often transmits raw and unfiltered emotion.  A high percentage of the time this escalates the conflict and resolution becomes more difficult.  Next time you are tempted to text, email or post a status update because someone made your mad or sad, DON’T DO IT.  Call them.  Better yet, talk face to face and resolve the conflict.  We live in a high tech world.  The need for high touch is even more important.

Words can cut or heal.  We need to choose wisely.  A proverb from the Bible states,

“Gracious words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”  Proverbs 16:24  NIV

Grace filled words; they drip with sweetness to the soul and healing to the bones.  Think about how others speak to you.  In work and school environments, negative words can sour our soul and crush our bones.  As a mediator, I come into work environments and conduct “Creating Peace at Work.”  The environment can be very toxic.  I teach four different presentations with Q&A to management and staff.  I follow up with mediations between highly conflicted co-workers.  At the conclusion, the work environment is often dramatically effected for the positive.  One of the simple concepts taught is speaking words of grace instead of criticism.  I have them keep a tally sheet.  Mark down every time you speak grace and every time you speak negative.  They are always surprised the amount of negativity spoken daily.

The first step of change is self-awareness.  If you want to speak words of grace that bring sweetness to the soul and healing to the bones, you need to become aware of your present speech.  Ask those around you to give you INSTANT feedback when you speak negatively or graciously.  Keep the tally sheet.  Intentionally think about how to speak graciously.  You can help change your family, neighborhood, or work environment.  Words of grace.  Let us fill the world with healing words.

Portland has two major rivers that run through and around the city.  Several restaurants have floating docks on the river.  A major barge can come through a leave a small wake while a small speed boat can leave a quite large one.  Marinas post speed limits with buoys near the docks.  With diminished speed comes diminished wakes.   And, with small wakes comes little to no damage or disruptions to others.  Large wakes can cause structural damage as well as dangerous wave action on floating docks putting people at risk.

We all leave some form of emotional wake.  Do you know what kind you leave?  Most people do not fully understand the power and responsibility of words.  We have the power to build or destroy, to tear or to heal.  As a mediator, I often deal with strong personalities who leave a mighty wake behind them.  Most of them do not intentionally seek to destroy others in their wake.  However, bodies can lie behind them from the emotional aftermath.  The problem?  They never look behind to see it.  They are too focused on the what lies ahead to understand what just got swept behind.

Peacemakers understand the stewardship of words and carefully weigh them.  A wake can be disruptive or calming.  A small wake can create a gentle, rolling wave that soothes and refreshes the soul.  So, what kind of wake do you leave?  You might check with a number of people around you.  Don’t be afraid to really listen to the feedback.  You might need to change your wake.   The change of wakes will change your relationships that will change your life.